Motherhood

So last time I wrote about my experience’s through the first few weeks of being a mom.  Leo just turned 2 months a few days ago. Man it is going by so fast! In just these few months, I have learned so many different things about myself and being a mother.  Pretty much everything that I thought motherhood would be, its been the opposite. Not that I don’t love every minute of it but I don’t think I ever realized how tough this job could be!  Between breastfeeding, sleep deprivation and recovering from the actual birth I have hardly had anytime to actually reflect on what I have learned or how I am feeling. I have been pretty lucky, Leo has been for the most part a happy and calm baby. Besides from the occasional gassy tummy, he is mainly smiling and cooing all day!

I have been nothing but happy being Leo’ s mommy. Motherhood is an amazing thing and I honestly have felt so much joy being able to experience my little man grow and develop right before my eyes. But there are times when I feel a little overwhelmed, guilty and extremely nervous.

What I think I have learned the most from these few months of motherhood is that there are going to be some really hard and honestly, sucky days! There have been days and nights that all Leo wants to do is be held, cry or both. Sometimes I cant figure out whats wrong and need to take a few seconds to calm down. Yesterday we entered Leo’s 8 week growth spurt. Last night Leo decided that all he wanted to do was cry. I tried to feed him for hours and he simply wasnt hungry. I tried to rock him to sleep and he just wasnt having it. After about 30 minutes of straight SCREAMING baby crying, I needed to have Nick step in and takeover. And then I started crying because I couldn’t figure out what my baby wanted. And it made me feel like a horrible mother. I felt guilty that I could get so overwhelmed which then made me nervous because I couldn’t help think that something could be wrong with my baby, even though I knew that it was simply because his little body was growing so fast that he was just exhausted! I had all of these feelings rush over me at once and just wasn’t sure how to deal. Nick finally got Leo to fall asleep in his arms. I was so relieved that baby was finally asleep. However I still had this cloud of guilt hanging over me. I hate that it was Nick who got him to calm down and not me. I hate that I couldn’t hold it together through his screaming fit. Was I a bad mom?

Finally after baby was passed out, Nick and I finally sat down in bed and each took a deep breath. Nick could tell that I was still a little upset about my little freak out. He told me that everything was okay, and not to worry because we were a team. He made my heart melt. And then I remembered a piece of advice I received from another mother, “It shall pass”. And it did. Leo was soundly sleeping, looking as sweet as could be like this whole fit never happened. I knew I wasn’t a bad mother  and I knew that there would be many more moments like this. Being a Mother means that there are  going to be some really bad days and also some really GOOD days. Hours of crying are worth every smile and laugh I get from baby Leo.

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